Perspective

You know that moment you have when you're in the shower and everything is quiet and peaceful for a few precious minutes and you envision the kind of mother you are going to be that day? I picture myself having open and interesting conversations with my children, answering questions and laughing with them about a shared experience. I imagine the warm look and the soft touch of my little babies as I read to them and do puzzles and play a game selected from our game closet. I think about a healthy snack I could make for them that they could munch on while they sit down and tackle their daily homework. Perhaps I could print out a coloring page for Laney to work on so she'll feel like one of the big kids sitting up to the table. Maybe we'll have green beans tonight with our balanced, healthy, well-planned hot meal. My husband will come home and I'll be able to smile brightly and answer "Wonderful!" when he asks me how my day has been. All will be well and we will clear our plates after dinner and listen to the sounds of the dishwasher running a load as we bathe and pajama our 5 beautiful babies and put them to bed knowing completely and fully how much they are loved.

All of these thoughts walk through my head in a matter of seconds as I finish my shower and feel absolutely certain that I can rise to the challenge and bring all of this to pass. Today. It's going to be that kind of day today.

And then it really begins. Before we have even arrived at the breakfast table I face my first challenge. Somebody (it could be any one of them) simply feels that they should not be required to get out of bed and dress themselves. It doesn't matter that we have covered this material before. The issue has not been resolved. To wake up and clothe oneself remains a travesty to humankind and that child is going to make their dissatisfaction known in a number of ways.

This is the first test of my inner calm. My mother fantasy is starting to quiver and shake. Because here is the problem with that little movie I see in my head while I take my shower....I'm the only one that holds any power or agency. I'm the only voice. My children take a reactive role and they respond perfectly to my good intentions. I awaken them with a kiss and a request and they oblige with smiles. I make a wholesome breakfast and they enjoy and express their gratitude. In my fantasy, I am the holder of all the cards and I get to play them and determine the outcome.

I'm finally starting to realize that when I come to the end of the day and I am standing in my kitchen surrounded by the massive upheaval of dishes and papers and discarded random items crowding my countertops, I have no right to begin the nightly lashing that I subject myself to. My earlymorning dreams for my family have once again gone unrealized. But, I am not the center of the universe. Each one of the seven people in my family has a mind and a heart and a will of their own and we are each capable of throwing off the balance that I think we all really want to have around here. I have got to learn that while I have a hefty chunk of power and influence over my children and all of our comings and goings, I really only have the ability to learn control over myself and become a master of my own hands and mouth. They are free to act as they will and have the consequences of their opinions, moods, wants and needs effect the family. It's how they fill their place in this world.

I'm trying harder not to let my mind do that thing every morning. That thing where I pretend that perfection is a possibility. Because it really isn't going to happen. And then the late night lashings are inevitable. Instead, I think I'll try to brace myself, pray for assistance and awareness and then strengthen my resolve to meet that first challenging child with an understanding that they choose and that I also choose. I will choose to be kind. I will choose to insist that they show respect for me and the other members of this family. I will choose to discipline and also choose to forgive and then allow mistakes to fade into the background and move forward with the vision of what I want our family life to be.

In the end, I not only want them to fall asleep with warmth and love, peace and satisfaction....I want it too.