Thinking about it

Spiritually speaking, I am searching.

Searching for that feeling of confidence in my belief system that I used to feel. 

Granted, I wasn't actually sure what I believed. Just that I really believed it.

And then I wasn't so sure. 

So now I find myself swimming a bit....trying to grab on to something, take a good hard look at it and figure out if it's solid. 

I read a lot. And I listen a lot. And then I mull it over.

Here are a few intriguing thoughts I've come across lately:

1. "Flunking Sainthood" by Jan Riess :  She quotes Rabbi Heschel in her book, speaking about the purpose of observing the Sabbath.

"He who wants to enter the holiness of the day must first lay down the profanity of clattering commerce, of being yoked to toil.  He must go away from the screech of dissonant days, from the nervousness and fury of acquisitiveness and the betrayal in embezzling his own life.  He must say farewell to manual work and learn to understand the the world has already been created and will survive without the help of man."

2. I am really loving that whole book. We think alike, Jana Reiss and I. So it's been a really good read. She tries to read and live a different spiritual practice each month and see what she gains from the experience. Interesting. And inspiring. Makes me feel like stepping back into a few spiritual practices of our own with more commitment. 

3. Today in sacrament meeting, Brother McCauley spoke about the burden of discipleship and something he said really made me think. He said that Judas' worst mistake wasn't betraying the Savior. It was that he failed to repent for it. Peter denied Jesus three times but went on to repent and become a pillar of strength and example of a true believer. What if Judas had repented too?  hmmm....

4. Another interesting thought from "Flunking Sainthood"...the relationship between repetitive housework and prayer. 

"Even though it's hard for me to see the spiritual value in menial household chores, there's something deeply Christian about them.  In a brilliant book about the theology of housekeeping, Margaret Kim Peterson says that it's precisely the never-ending nature of household tasks such as cooking that makes them "so akin to the providential work of God."  Every day , every person in the household needs to be fed -- again.  We feed them with the knowledge that tomorrow morning, they will wake up hungry and we'll have to repeat the whole cycle.

Peterson says that our constant round of housework and God's initial act of creation have something in common: both are about bringing order form chaos."

"Cooking is allegedly the perfect hand-occupant during times of prayer because of its repetitive nature; the fact that I've made corn chowder so many times before means that I know the recipe by heart and can focus instead on God."

5. Despite missing that feeling of solidarity from my childhood, I do feel stronger that ever before. Inch by inch I am discovering which teachings ring true to me and help me to feel closer to God. It is slow going, but I feel like it's worth doing. And at least I feel like the few things I have claimed for my own have been honestly won. I hope to find more.