A new life

I've been busy getting caught up on all the blogging I didn't do since the 4th of July. Mark gifted me with a printed version of everything I wrote about in 2009 and it was fat! I did 179 entries that year and so far I'm at about 68 for 2010. Pathetic. So...I'm going back through the pictures and trying to remember the details about things that happened months ago. Sadly, it's never as good in hindsight as it is when it's fresh...particularly when it's a difficult experience. The angst and the worry have passed and the perspective has taken over. While that is a blessing, I find value in recording the the "here and now" so that I can look back and remember what that was like and how far we've come.

So all this while, as I've been back-posting, I keep thinking I'd like to write a bit about how I feel about having this new baby in my life and what it's like around here. Things are already changing fast and before I now it, I'll have moved on and so will my perspective. (Everytime I write the word "perspective", I hear Anton Ego from 'Ratatouille' in my head) hmmmm...

I've never been comfortable with having a newborn in the house. There's a weird kind of fear that comes over me as I anticipate what each day or night will bring. This little person has complete power over what I do, when I eat, how much I sleep, and yet has no ability to be influenced by anything other than the milk I so abundantly produce and my willingness to do the exhausting bouncy-walk up and down and all around the house.

When she does fall asleep, I'm torn between holding her in order to lengthen the duration of the nap, putting her down and going to sleep myself, and putting her down and doing as much housework/cooking/helping the other kids as possible. And at any given time I am as likely as not to feel I made the wrong decision.

In the past 5+ weeks, we have eaten a shocking amount of processed food. Ramen noodles, frozen pizzas, frozen chicken nuggets, mac and cheese. We even had hamburger Helper last night, which my 7 year old made while I did the bouncy-walk and gave instructions. Did you know that a 7 year old can brown hamburger? It turned out perfectly and yet was just as vile and radioactive as I remember from the college years. I fully expect to be changing a few neon diapers in the next 24 hours.

With each new baby, I desperately seek out the few things that will sooth her and turn to those to bring her out of a crying spell. She seems to like music with a reggae beat. She has a soft spot for Jason Mraz and doesn't mind if I throw in a little John Mayer. She responds well to Ingrid Michaelson, but has no patience for Collective Soul. I seem to remember that Ethan loved the King's Singers, Mathew preferred Chuck Pyle, Megan liked Jonny Lang, and Laney responded best to Coldplay (and downloaded dishwasher noises...wahwoosh...wahwoosh).

She also likes to get into the huge tub in the master bath with me. It honestly takes every ounce of hot water we have to fill that thing and she only really likes it for about 10 minutes...but I still do it! WHY? Because I'm desperate, desperate, desperate! (Feel free to donate any extra money you have kicking around to our upcoming water bill.)

The hardest part about having a new baby is the massive amount of time I spend sitting down and nursing her or letting her sleep in my arms, and yet I feel wiped out by 4 pm. I mean, it's not as if I've been digging ditches or anything. And just about that time is when it gets really crazy. How am I going to get something ready for dinner? How do I get the girls to take a bath? How do I get Laney's diaper changed and her pajamas on? How do force 4 kids to STAY IN THEIR BEDS??? I am totally and completely at their mercy and they know it.

Is this starting to sound like a me vs. them situation?

Yeah, it is. And that's what's bugging me. I'm ready for the part where she can sit on my hip, or snack on some veggie puffs in her high chair.

When is that part?

I love you BabyAnna. You are worth it!

P.S. Can we get a little sleep tonight? Just something to think about.