Things I know for sure

*If you have recently hit, bit, pinched, kicked or spit on somebody you are going to be the one asked to say the prayer. Feel free to repent after you've blessed the food.

*When one side of the tablecloth is dirty, just flip it over. There's no point in just using half of it. This doesn't work if something wet has spilled on it, unless you haven't cleaned the kitchen in a timely manner and it's already dry. Then, go ahead and flip it. Unless it's Thanksgiving or something.

*I will never ever ever love to mop the floor.

*You will not realize that the new potted plant you bought for the living room is WAY TOO HUGE for the spot you had in mind until you've put all the seats down in the van, shoved it in (kids are driving with the "jungle experience"), drove it home, realized that the pot you wanted to use is currently home to an azalea, replant azalea next to the garage, lovingly put the huge plant into the extremely large and heavy clay pot, caringly tuck it in with MiracleGro potting mix, lug it in to the living room (resting along the way...it's ginormous). You stand back it you think, "Huh. That looks retarded." Go about your business. Try to give it a chance. Maybe it'll grow on you. Nope. Still looks retarded. Lug it back outside, dig the plastic pot out of the trash and re-repot plant. Shove it back in the van and hope you won't buy too many other things while you're at Walmart.

*It doesn't matter how many times we have spaghetti, I will never know how I'm supposed to know how many noodles to make. It's a mystery to me.

*My heart is going to break when Megan no longer gives me a "squeezy hug", lip kiss, nose kiss, butterfly kiss/right eye, butterfly kiss left eye, kiss on the right cheek, kiss on the left cheek and then insist that I repeat the whole process for her, right before bed. Heartbroken, I tell you.

*I'm never going to stop dreaming that I'm in high school and and I've sluffed my English Class all year and now it's time for the final and I'm ready to straighten up and fly right, if I could only find the office to get a printout of my schedule. I actually DO remember my locker combination, but have no idea which locker is actually mine. I wake up with my stomach tied up in knots and I'm indescribably relieved when I remember that I get to be a mom today, not a stressed out, angst ridden teenager.

*Nursery is the best calling. There are snacks involved.

*I'm a homework junkie. I love when my kids have homework. It feels so right and wholesome to insist that they "get their homework done before they play with friends". Just saying that to them makes me feel like a good mom. It's a no brainer and it's at least one time during the day I don't second guess myself. Duh. Homework before friends = responsible parenting. If they have no homework, I have been known to get on the internet and find them some. They'll probably bring this up at my funeral. I'm okay with that.

*Allowance is the way to go. Giving my kids $2.50 a week has solved the following problems:
*begging for treats in the check out lane. Didn't bring your allowance? Bummer.
*tithing and savings are very real to them. Their tithing and their savings.
*when you get to spend 1.25 each week, you quickly learn that a $6 carwash is a rip off. No more begging to go through the carwash. And a diamond studded prayer cross they saw on an infomercial (only 3 installments of 39.99!) is nuts. I was happy that I didn't have to get into the intricacies of why we don't wear prayer crosses. Even diamond studded ones with the Lord's Prayer inscribed so small you can only see it with a magnifying glass. Even those ones.
*when they beg for something, I ask them if they'd like to save their allowance to buy it. If they say yes, great. If they say no, then I ask them why I should pay for it if they don't want it enough to save for a few weeks to get it. Unstoppable logic. Beautiful.

So if we are talking about getting results, $7.50 a week is a killer deal.

*If your saying the Lord's Prayer and you forget the words, I highly doubt you are going to have a magnifying glass handy.

*It is VERY DIFFICULT to get a fat wiener dog to lose weight.

*Having a stash of Kit Kats in my nightstand drawer makes it substantially harder for me to stick to my diet.

*I am a wiz at unwrapping a Kit Kat without making a sound. It's a talent I've carefully cultivated.