1. I was not at all convinced that she would ever get packed. She stayed up all night before we left. She would not open her door or let me help at all.
2. She did, in fact, finally get packed and we made it there with just a few minutes to spare. I played it cool and pretended like I haven't dropped off all the other kids at least 3 hours early. I am currently an expert at "rollin with it", a black-belt in emotional chillness.
3. We grabbed some lunch and headed to Warrensburg. She met up with her roommate and we made the bed, unpacked the snacks and I said goodbye!
4. She asked me to come pick her up every morning. That was prime time for homesickness. I was working or busy and couldn't come right away, so by the time I was available, she was over it and chose to stay. I may or may not have made up a few reasons why I could not respond immediately. I just knew in my heart that she would be glad she stayed.
5. She had the best time. She was learning and taking notes, making friends and having heart-shaping, testimony building experiences.
6. I'm so glad she decided to go and found the strength to stay! It was an awesome week!
Blogs are funny things. They typically morph into a highlight reel of everyday life..."Isn't this funny?" "Look at the awesome things we did this summer!" "He graduated!" "Sure, I gripe about the silly annoyances I encounter...but I largely refrain from writing about the hard things that we are absolutely dealing with.
And, that is for a good reason. It's because I don't live in an emotional vacuum. My life is made up of interactions and relationships with my husband and children and family and friends. My sorrows are their sorrows too. My anger and frustrations are usually aimed at one of them. Is it fair to hash out the tough stuff in a public(ish) arena?
Now...honestly. The only people that read this blog are me, my mom (because she loves me), Megan (when she's bored at school) and the other kids...after I've printed the year and popped in on the shelf in the living room. So there isn't a big risk for widespread exposure. But I believe my kids still have a right to have their hard times remain private unless they choose to share them with the people in their own lives.
But today I'm going to try to walk the line between sharing something and oversharing something. Because this experience has shaped us. It has taught me and tested me and brought me to a different place. And, oh my word, it hurt. And I wasn't even the main character in this story. Someday, I would love to hear how this felt to him...and the way he sees it all.
So let's go back to September 2019...Ethan got his mission call and we all gathered in the living room. Covid wasn't a thing back then. The house was packed with friends. Family joined in over a Facebook live event. Oh my goodness. He was so happy. He was called to Sydney Australia...which, by itself, is proof that God knows adn understands him. He was made for The Bush!
Look at that smile!
The next few weeks were filled with dental appointments, vaccinations and obtaining a passport. Things were going right along. And then they weren't. Ethan was sad. He seemed worried and unsettled. We waited and tried to give him the space he needed, but we were worried too. He met with the bishop and the stake president.
He did something I will forever admire.
He was honest. Even thought it was hard and it came at a cost.
He decided that he needed to make sure he was leaving on his mission with no reservations and nothing unresolved.
I'm not going to pretend that I didn't cry myself to sleep that night...that week. I was worried. I was worried about how this would effect him and all the ways that this could spin him out. I worried about his heart and his perception of himself. Would he feel the love that we have for him, that God has for him? Would he discover for himself that the atonement is a gift and not a punishment? Would he have the strength to hold on to his desire to serve a mission?
I really didn't have the answer to those questions. Because I'm not him. And that's the real kicker of parenting, right? I am not the one calling the shots here. I now get to take a step back and be a secondary player in something that I feel so invested in. Is this how God feels? He's so invested...he KNOWS what we should be doing and yet he has to step back and let us exercise our agency. Does he ever just cry himself to sleep?
So, Ethan's call was cancelled. He went through the tough process of answering the questions of well-meaning folks for about 3 months...
"So, when are you leaving???"
"Well, I'm not going to be going right now...."
"Oh? Why not?"
Good gravy, that was a long 3 months.
Then he settled in to working and preparing himself to resubmit his papers. He got a job as a pharmacy technician...that's way better than cashiering and fetching carts in Kansas weather (yes, all the Kansas weather, minus 2 glorious weeks in the spring and fall). He grew and shaved his beard a dozen times over. He bought and sold a truck, read the Book of Mormon with Trey Stewart and adopted the Petersons as his second family. He rejoiced when Kylie came home from her mission and Laynie came back from college. He worked and played and persevered. Then...
Trey left. Kylie and Miranda left. Laynie left.
He started to feel the year stretch out in front of him.
He passed the sacrament. He blessed the sacrament. One fall Sunday, Mathew and Ethan sat up there together and blessed the bread and the water and I cried tears of joy into my mask and prayed that the temple would open up so we could all go together.
October 8, 2020 Ethan met with President Boyack and resubmitted his mission papers. He bounded out of that office and his happiness was a physical presence in that hallway. We went to go get some BBQ and he and Mark excitedly made predictions of where he might be called to. There was no guarantees that his papers would be approved...but they chose to have faith. They weren't afraid to be happy.
We thought they would come within 3 to 4 weeks.
Then we thought they would come within 6 to 8 weeks.
Surely, they wouldn't take longer than 12 weeks?
In the end, he waited almost 4 months.
4 months that we didn't know we desperately needed. 4 months to think. 4 months to pray and plead and talk and heal. That 4 months changed our lives and our hearts and I can honestly say that having that 4 months was a gift from God.
On the morning of January 29th, the kids were scattered all over. Some were finding socks, some were eating breakfast, some had already gone out the door. Ethan sat in his jammies and casually logged on to his missionary portal to check the status for the millionth time. I could see him reading and I could tell that he had just read his call.
"Ethan Hufford! What are you reading??"
After the year we've had, I'll forgive him. He got to have those first moments to himself.
He has been recalled to his original mission. Sydney, Australia.
Hugs, tears, and googling!
And then he "gathered" his favorite people together that night and shared the news. Mark sent out a zoom link with a hidden clue...(it's in the password, wink wink)
His lovely letter from the twelve apostles:
And now we move to the next phase...we prepare! He will work at the pharmacy and we'll teach him about the temple. We'll buy suits and ties and sturdy shoes.
He's ready!
And somehow we'll be ready when we mark the end of his time in our home and the beginning of his own adventures. And we'll be grateful deep deep down for the love we have for our son and for the experiences that taught us all to keep moving forward and have faith. But, most of all, we will remember that our Father has a real plan. And it's better than anything we could imagine.
We slept in until 8 am (that's pretty late for us)....we needed it. We wanted to get breakfast and have our sacrament meeting before heading back out to the water. I'll admit. I wasn't feeling so into trying to hold church...but Mark led out and called everyone to gather around. It's the 2nd of August, so that means it's supposed to be testimony meeting. We sang songs we all know and Mark blessed the bread and water. Then he shared his testimony of the Book of Mormon and his faith in the atonement. The Spirit came into the room. I felt it and so did the kids.
Ethan shared his testimony of what it would be like to live in peace and righteousness like the people in Fourth Nephi. How he felt like we would experience that when Christ comes again.
Mathew talked about looking out on the moonlit ocean last night and feeling the joy of the world and knowing that God created us to be happy and make happy memories with our families.
Anna talked about learning what prayer can do for her. She feels Heavenly Father helping her when she remembers to pray and notices the difference when she doesn't.
Laney was also thinking about how beautiful the world is and grateful that we get to take a trip with our family and spend this time together.
Everly was snuggled up next to me and I could see she was feeling safe and happy. She shared how much she loves us all and that she knows Heavenly Father loves us.
I was looking at each of my kids and thinking of all the hard things we have gone through and the fun times we've had together. I've been spending so much time writing about these past years as I catch up the blog and it has given me a sweeping perspective on our lives. It might sound strange, but I almost felt like I was standing back and looking at us with the understanding and love that God has for us. I can see that my kids are learning and growing. They are thinking about their own lives and their place and purpose in His plan. I needed to feel that and I needed to put it into words for them.
Megan said she didn't have anything to share, but I will say that I know this girls heart and I see her everyday struggling with herself and disciplining her thoughts and actions to be better and do better. I am so grateful for Mark and his determination to do right and teach the kids to do right. It was an unexpected morning and true gift.
Now on to the day! The ocean calls!
We alerted the Flynns that they better get up out of bed because we are coming to park at their condo and take advantage of their beach access.
We will always and forever be obsessed with finding shells.
My only request for the day was that everyone wait for just a second before bounding into the water and come be in a family photo. I guess you could say it wasn't so much a request as it was a mandate. We are becoming quite familiar with mandates in this Covid-19 world.
Consider this a Mama Mandate. That has a nice ring to it.
Our photographer....Laynie Peterson...capturing a pre-shoot selfie. I need to remember to do this the next time someone asks me to take a picture for them.
And then we had a day at the beach! Talking and relaxing, hopping over the waves and finding all of the shells.
The Space X astronauts landed off Pensacola shore about 2 pm. We were all watching to catch a glimpse, but we didn't see anything. That would have been super cool!
And when we were properly dehydrated and completely fried, we packed up and headed back to the house. Showers and normal clothes, then naps and Jurassic Park.
I ran to the store for emergency sunburn gel. We all got a lesson in proper sunscreen application. We made spaghetti for dinner and headed over to the Flynns to hang out and let the teenagers hang out at the beach. The little girls took a dip in their pool, Courtney and I chatted as we watched them and Mark and Todd watched a basketball documentary. We all ended back inside when the mosquitoes started to get hungry.
The big kids all started dragging in and they had been attacked by the little boogers. Poor Emma had more than 30 bites. Ethan came in second place. Ouch!
We were all exhausted and ready to go, but Anna and Courtney were battling it out with a game of Exploding Kittens.
When we got back to our place, not teeth were brushed, no faces were washed...the house was silent within 5 minutes.
She was so sweet and heartfelt. She was so focused on sharing the fact that "Jesus is Real", she accidentally reiterated that "Santa is NOT real" at least six times.
I was getting some pretty wide-eyed looks from parents and there were ripples of giggles throughout the congregation. Laney was oblivious to it all. She was feeling the spirit and she was sharing that testimony!
After she came and sat down, she was all aglow. She was feeling great! Then it was up to me to stop my big kids from going up to the pulpit and denouncing her. Unfortunately, Mathew was already sitting on the stand waiting for his turn. I did my best to communicate with stern looks, hand signals and dragging my finger across my throat.
She's a missionary. And she's leaving soon and she's gonna be great. We've had a roller coaster couple of weeks with her. We went to the temple as she took out her endowments. I'll never forget her face. She was scared. She was completely turned upside down by everything she was experiencing. I remember looking over at her and she mouthed "what is this?" to me and I mouthed back "It's okay. Just breathe. It's okay."
And her tears in the celestial room. She went there expecting peace and she was met with unfamiliarity and strangeness.
Oh boy. I can definitely relate. What comfort level I feel at the temple has been gained "line upon line"....I have fought and cried for every inch.
So we have spent the last weeks talking and talking and talking. We went back to the temple again. Without everyone looking at her and needing her to feel any particular way. We talked about the symbolism. We talked about everything she knows now that she didn't always know. And that is the way the temple works too. There is so much to learn. And learning it changes the way you see it and experience it.
And then tonight.
Mark and I left to attend her setting apart. As we were leaving, Ethan was just getting home from work. He was headed down to shower and we said goodbye. Something nagged at me that he should come with us. But I told myself that it wasn't my place to invite anyone to this.
We arrived and went into the Stake President's office and he began. the whole Flynn family was buzzing with nervousness and excitement. As he was speaking, Kylie kind of zoned out. It was obvious that she wasn't listening to him. And then she suddenly stopped and she said, "I'm sorry. This isn't right. Ethan needs to be here." I cry every time I think of her saying that. She was right and I knew it. She was brave enough to say it.
President Boyack stopped. And I jumped out of that room and called Ethan. He was just out of the shower and I told him he needed to come down as fast as he could. And in 8 minutes, he was sitting there with us...hair dripping.
See? Crying again.
I don't know the future. I don't know why that happened. But I am grateful it did. I am grateful for the Spirit that comes rushing back to me when I think of that night.
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