Father's day is less that 5 months away.

The ice is here. The power is on. I've spent too much time on the internet.

Here you go:

The ice storm cometh

The last ice storm was just last year. That's a little too fresh in our memories for us to fully achieve an "it'll be fine" attitude. We must prepare! Many are stocking up on food, water and fuel. Parents are on standby to pick up their offspring early from school. The region as a whole is getting ready to hunker down until it's all over.

I, too, have a few items that must be achieved by 2:00 pm (approximate time of mass icing).

1. I must wash and straighten my hair. When the electricity goes out, I prefer not to be a fuzz-head. Those closest to me would concur.

2. I will finish laundry, run the dishwasher, and the vacuum. Essentially taking maximum advantage of my household appliances. I don't know when we'll use them next. The floor will get mighty crusty.

3. I must finish the scroll saw project that has made a home on the south wall of my living room. It's gonna be awesome!! Can't wait to show you when I'm done.

4. Rescue all important items from the car/garage. It's not going to be a cozy place for a few days. brrr.

5. Make a batch of bread. Sandwiches are an ice storm's best friend. Microwave popcorn? Not as helpful as I'd like.

6. Purchase cooking spray. How does one survive consecutive days of cooking on the Coleman grill without PAM? Last night was "waffle night". I discovered our supply of cooking spray had run dry. It wasn't pretty. Thankfully we had whip cream in a can...it covers a multitude of sins.

7. Let's see....no tv, no webkins, no pbskids.org......We're going to need playdough, batteries, markers, glitter, gluesticks, pipe cleaners, sedatives, juice boxes, library books, goldfish, oreos, chicken nuggets, nerf darts, ear plugs, padlocks, toilet paper, clorox wipes and something new and amazing that they've never seen before. Did I forget something?

8. Replenish goodie stash in the nightstand drawer. Long days of no power and prolonged creativity will require a reward at the end of the day. I'm thinking pistachios, marzipan and laffy taffy. It's all about variety.

Well, I could go on, but there is much to do and only 5 hours to go.

The death of me.

I swear to you my four year old is trying to do me in.

The screaming! Sweet heaven, the screaming is something no human roaming this earth of ours should have to experience more than once. And yet it has become my daily companion. The screaming of this girl accompanies me through my daily routines and threatens to shatter my sanity. I find myself inhaling deeply and looking in the direction of the ceiling, perhaps willing the Lord to save me and remove my ability to hear for just one sweet hour.

I tell you, I'm teetering on the brink.

What's a mother to do?

I thought I would get tough yesterday. I told her to go to time out. She looked my square in face and said "NO." I threatened, "You get to time out or you'll have an extra minute." (brutal, I know.) Again, right in the eyes, "NO." So I take her by the hand to escort her there. She goes limp (I know you hate that as much as I do.) So I pick her up and deposit her in the bed. This is bad news for her because our time out is sitting on the large bucket of dog food in the laundry room. If you have skipped that step and gone to your bed you know you are in deep. I wasn't prepared for the intensity of the holy fit she threw next. It was unlike anything I've seen on Supernanny and those kids can really dish it.

It was primal.

It was gutteral.

It was only the first 10 minutes of a 3 hour standoff.

Really, I'm asking. Begging, actually.

Can't somebody help me? I am 100% open to advice. I will not resent you for it and I solemnly swear to try it. So help me.

Hello.

I feel like a new woman today.

We just wrapped up 6 solid days of stomach flu....each family member taking a turn in the spotlight of wretched retchedness. Three of the four children opted for the nightshift, their poor, tired little bodies dry heaving every twenty minutes like clockwork. All night long. By Sunday I was a zombie in need of sleep and sanitation. By Monday I was feeling nauseous myself.

But today, TODAY I feel like I could disinfect the surfaces of the world. And I plan to. There is bedding to strip, wash (burn over an open fire?) and replace.

Today I feel like I could pull out that funky drawer in the kitchen and investigate why it's not rolling properly. I'm feeling so much better.. I might even fix it.

Then if the stars align and karma blows my way, I'll balance the checkbook.

In retrospect, the stomach flu could be a good thing.

a. I got a day off. Mark took over and I watched reruns on hulu.
b. I lost a pound and a half.
c. Nothing like a little nastiness to make you appreciate with extreme clarity how good you usually have it.
d. This bedding was long overdue for a wash. Clean sheets!
e. I learned that a Blizzard does not make nausea worse. So go for it. (Oreos and pecans, please)
d. A side of effect of barfing for 24 hours is lethargy. 4 lethargic kids = quietness = thank you.

Now, I must be off! I have Clorox wipes just waiting to be put to good use.

huh.

I was driving down the road this morning on my way to take my children to school and noticed that there was a board game strewn about in the middle of the road about a block away from our house. I slow down and take a better look. It looks like a game we have.

Wait. That's our game!

I pick up the pieces and proceed to school. When we get home I look in the game closet and sure enough, that particular game is missing.

What?

What the?

I genuinely do not know how the game got out of the closet and ended up in the road. It's isn't as if my kids are playing outside....it's cold out there. The kids are convincingly innocent.

There is a board game bandit about.

?

Memo

To my children. Whom I love.

Eating your dinner is not, and never will be, a prerequisite to eating something other than what I have prepared....for dinner. Eating a few bites does not qualify you to have a bowl of ice cream and I'd like to remind you that this very meal was your "favorite" just last week. A short 7 days ago.

Save your tears and your declarations of injustice. They fall on deaf ears.

Also, when you say "I'm full". I will take that literally. Although I am well aware the precise translation is, "This dish is disgusting. I'd prefer that it never crossed my lips. I could live a thousand lifetimes and be perfectly content to eat anything and everything besides this. Now that I have been so gracious as to visibly gag down spoonfuls of this slop, may I please have my third towering glass of chocolate milk? I'm going to have to get my calories from somewhere."

I'm on to you. I've been a mother for 8 1/2 years. In that time I have come to a certain knowledge that the phrase "You'll survive" is not only timely but true.

Until breakfast, my dears. Sleep well.

Mother.

S.O.S.

This is our second snow day following a two week Christmas break.

The kids are taking turns rolling each other up in the living room rug.

Send reinforcements.

Over and out.

Snow

Yesterday church was canceled because of the snow...and we live in Arkansas, not Idaho. This caused me to feel a bit desperate. Because we need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. But then I felt a little happy because although the children looked like this:


I looked more like this:


So, instead we took inventory of our most bootlike footwear,



and did alot of this:


That leads to ridiculous amounts of melting snow puddles and laundry/wet socks/layers of jammy pants strewn all about.

We ate WAY too much of this (recipe forthcoming):


I read half of this:



Which led to some general hooliganism and lackadaisical parenting which resulted in a trip to the emergency room with a possible broken jaw.

Stupid snow.

But back to the really important stuff.

Kaira's Insanely Addictive Microwave Caramel Popcorn

3 bags popped popcorn (This must be Orville R.'s Natural Simply Salted...it must! The saltiness balances the sweetness perfectly.)
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup light corn syrup
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp baking soda

1. Place the popped popcorn into a large brown paper bag. Set aside.

2. In a 2 quart heat-proof glass dish, combine the brown sugar, butter, corn syrup, salt and vanilla. Heat for 3 minutes in the microwave, thn take out and stir until well blended. Return t the microwave, and cook for 45 seconds. Remove from the microwave, and stir in the baking soda.

3. Pour syrup over the popcorn in the bag, Roll down the top once or twice to close the bag and shake to coat the popcorn. Place bag into the microwave, and cook for another minute. Remove. Dump the popcorn out onto waxed paper and let cool. Store in airtight container.

*Add anything you like! Chocolate, nuts, crushed candybars, m&m's, peanut butter cups...just let the popcorn cool a little if you don't want the chocolate to melt in.

Enjoy!

footnote: No broken jaws, just a crazy bruise, swollen cheeks, and a battered tongue.

2010

Last year my resolution was to have better hair in 2009. I got a haircut every 3 months, which is 4 times more per yer than in 2008. So, as you see, I am awesome at sticking to my resolutions. I think the key is to resolve in teensy tinsy little bits. Last year all it took was 120 dollars and a few peaceful moments in the salon chair. I also promised myself I would be nicer to the dogs...which mainly entailed not calling either one of them a "turd" and feeding them on time. Check!

So lets get down to 2010.

1. I will lay a foundation of puzzle doing in my offspring. I will gently and subtly persuade them that doing a puzzle is a highly enjoyable pastime. This way, when I'm old and they come to visit me, they will see the puzzle out on the table and be unable to resist sitting down to help me. This will increase my overall visit time by 40%.

I'm already well on my way:


2. Be nicer to the dogs. I think periodic baths and a birthday bone oughta do it.

That's it!

oh wait...one more:

3. Turn in boxtops to the school. If I'm saving them in the windowsill behind the picture frame, I could probably send them in.

It never hurts to go the extra mile.