Me vs. Them

They're here.

They want sugar.

2004...the first year of the war. I went to Lowe's and purchased 7 dollars worth of ant killer. It said it was safe for pets and kids after it was allowed to dry. I distinctly remember the Garden Center associate saying that it would be safe for my pets or children to "lick the baseboards" after it had dried. I was relieved because we had planned to lick the baseboards for our Family Night Activity. Not a moment to soon, aye? I sprayed, the ants died...all was well.

2005....the ants start sniffing around again in early spring. I smugly head to Lowe's for the ant killer. I flippantly apply to the baseboards and inform my children that they can continue licking after it dries.
The next morning I am shocked to find that the ants were hosting a Cinco de Mayo celebration on my countertops. They were laughing at me. They had developed an immunity to the chemicals of the year before. Darn that natural selection! The rest of the spring was spent in a feverish cesspool of internet research, tearing the cupboards apart looking for the "point of entry" and going hog wild with a calking gun. Those were dark days.

2006....I skip the whole notion of fighting them off myself. It was time to get serious. I called my friend Carin. Her husband had just started a pest control business. He and Mark made a trade....ant spray for computer repair. I am not afraid to barter with my husband's talents.
Bye bye ants! mwah ah ah ah!

2007....Not an ant to be seen. Obviously Carin's husband had used the Hydrogen bomb version of ant killer and the colony had not sufficiently recovered to stage a retaliation.

2008....Oh. They were back. They were out for revenge. I called Barry and one of his guys came out. He sprayed. I watched.

nothin.

They had mutated again! They were invincible. My only choice was to move all food items away from that side of the kitchen and use the sink as little as possible. Finally the spring came to and end and I resumed washing our food before we ate it (kidding....or am I?)

2009....I am SO ready. I AM going to come out the victor. I watch the sink and I kill every ant I see. My theory is that before the actual troops come in, they send in the scouts. I kill the scouts and the battle is mine before it even gets started. Did you know that Pine Sol kills ants (and all other insects) on contact? It does. I know this because I use Pine Sol for everything and it was the most accessible thing to spray on them when I see them run for cover....which they do because they fear me. I hate to smash ants because they make your fingers stink. Go ahead and try it. You'll see what I mean. If you don't have any ants in your house in which to do this experiment, come on over. I'd be happy to let you take an ant killing shift. Does 5 to 9 work for you?